Every day, in every way...

... I am getting better and better. That was an affirmation I uttered over and over again when I was early in my recovery. It kept me aimed in the right direction. And even though I know my feet are firmly on the path, I need to remember what it was like, that icky morass of self-pity that led to self-agrandisement, self-abuse, self-indulgence, and more self-pity. On this second day of the baby new year, I am not making resolutions. I am honoring where I have been, and where I am going. It is funny to remember that, when my therapist asked me "what do YOU want?", I recoiled as from a flame. What do you mean, what do I want? How should I know? No one had ever asked me that before. Oh, everyone else knew what THEY wanted, and most of them wanted it from ME. That hasn't changed. It is still ME that needs to show up, for ME! I am the one I have been waiting for with such patient longing. The new improved version of me knows what she wants most of the time, and she gives it to herself. Pancakes. Bubble baths. PoochieBoo and PoochiePickle. Soft warm blankets on top of the memory foam. Mystery novels from the library. A trip to the art supply store. Or just Walmart, where I was today, getting hairspray and mouthwash and Milkbones. Moments of pure joy that are really just ordinary moments if you look at them from the outside. I did my gratitude parking, way, way, way out in the lot, and hoofed it lickety-split to get out of the frigid wind. Could have been worse. Could have been raining. A friend sent me a hooter calendar. No, not that kind. It was owls. I had several minute of joy watching the slideshow. And there, on my computer monitor, was God in action. Do you know how many kinds of owls there are? Why do you think we need so many? Beauty, wisdom, sweetness is all around me, if I just look up and out. So, new year. Full heart. Better and better.