Sunday, January 01, 2012
The year ended with another drama, for sure..
The assisted living environment called me just before midnight to tell me my father had passed away. I was the first, and then my mother. I felt really awful that I had taken my sleep medication and could not go to her, but it was what it was. I refuse to feel guilty that he passed before the old year ended, like that would make any difference, but so many challenges were thrown at me in 2011, I would hate to begin 2012 with his death. My parents are more or less strangers to me. I am not alone, my brothers agree. They were not people who could risk showing love. Mother is better, I will admit. At least now I can hug her and give her a kiss without her stiffening up like a telephone pole. Perhaps this will hit me later. For now, I laid awake for long hours in the night, groggy but alert, and am now really tired, as is my mother, who I visited this morning to see how she is. All the necessary arrangements have already been made - the mortuary is ready, the will and trust are all in place, Dad even put together the information for his obituary. He was a prominent man in his small element. Yet, there will be just a private service. Strange people, my folks. Personally, the world can come to the celebration of my life. I want my kids to dance and sing and be joyous that I was part of their lives. I would love to feel this way about my folks. Sad that I don't.